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Time for parents, children to talk

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By KLINT LOWRY | The Suncoast News

Published: May 30, 2009

With even the youngest baby boomers now well into their 40s, millions of people in this country are facing the realities of aging.

And it's not the just angst of seeing their own hairlines recede as their waistlines expand, but more serious aging issues with their parents: can they still drive a car safely? Do they remember to take their medications? Are they feeding themselves properly?

In short, can they take care of themselves anymore? Often, adult children find it difficult to discuss these topics with their elderly parents.

Often they wait too long, until an issue becomes a crisis or a parent is no longer able to contribute to the decision making process said Julie Krol, owner of the Home Instead Senior Care franchise in Clearwater, which serves all of Pinellas County.

Home Instead Senior Care is a network of locally owned franchise offices that provide seniors with companionship and nonmedical assistance with everything from household chores to getting around town.

In January, Home Instead Senior Care launched a public education campaign called the "40-70 Rule." Home Instead designed it to help adult children begin to discuss these difficult issues with their parents.

The company commissioned an independent survey that showed nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents. For many, it is hard to break out of the parent-child role, even when the child is old enough to be a grandparent. For others, the problems may be more issue-specific - suggesting to an elderly parent they shouldn't live alone anymore or that it may be time to give up the car keys.

Dr. Jake Harwood, author and communication professor from the University of Arizona and former director of that school's graduate program in gerontology, helped turn the data from the study into The 40/70 Rule. It is available online at www.40/70.com or in pamphlet form at Home instead Senior Care offices.

The "40/70 Rule" means that if you are 40, or your parents are 70, it's time to start the dialog about health, finances, mobility, living arrangements and even things like when a widowed parent starts dating again.

Because they are uncomfortable, people often wait until there is an incident before bringing up these subjects.

"It needs to be a family decision," Krol said.

The pamphlet offers suggestions on general approaches and attitudes to take in starting such conversations, while also addressing specific subjects, including:

•"The medication quagmire."

•"Is mom safe at home?"

•"When dad starts to date."

It offers suggestions to siblings on how to work together to approach their parents and how not to jump to conclusions, be overbearing or condescending.

The pamphlet actually has two "front" covers. On one side, it says The 40/70 Rule. On the other it says The 70/40 Rule. Discussing these issues can be just as difficult for elderly parents. Some try to hide problems because they don't want their children to worry; others fear losing their independence.

The pamphlet offers comparable advice to seniors on how to open the lines of communication. It also provides a guide for preparing a "Life Legacies pre-planning checklist," that lists utility companies, banks, investments, safe deposit boxes and includes information on power of attorney, funeral arrangements, what to do with pets and other instructions.

Copies of The 40/70 Rule are available at the Home Instead Senior care office in Clearwater, 25900 U.S. 19 N., Suite 257, or by calling 727-799-1400.

Klint Lowry can be reached at 727-815-1067 or klowry@suncoastnews.com.

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